Life is really great right now. I lived in Canada. I am home. I am getting on fantastically with all my loved ones. I’m pushing my career path wide open with a fantastic placement this summer. I’m over half way in my physics degree. I’m part of our universities physics society committee. I’m seeing old faces and have months of free time to enjoy the catch ups. I’m not financially struggling. I’m in a happy and healthy relationship with someone that’s actually good for me. My anger control has greatly improved.
As you can see though, these are just sentences. Facts and statements. There’s no emotion behind the words. There’s no Thought, quite literally. My inner voice doesn’t narrate happiness well. Instead it picks to moan about the little things, the details which are easily fixable but purely cosmetic or superficial. My inner voice won’t remember anything about the sunset but it recalls every tap on my window from the rain in such volume I even move and check it’s not there.
Is this because I haven’t felt happiness before? No, I know I’ve felt it. I’ve been able to describe it, remember it, recall it in every cell of my being. But in recent years that’s been replaced, drowned out by fog of critique at every juncture. Everything has negativity and my inner voice commentates every part it sees.
I wish to once again learn to let my inner voice commentate the happiness. Today I took a step towards making that happen again. Today, when I saw the sunset, I took a picture. After focusing on this photo, I can close my eyes and let my inner voice recall. The sun appeared brighter despite the change into a deeper darker hue of orange, confusing the clouds into thinking they were pink. Everything shimmered and glistened, showing off their bold new colours. For a moment, nature showed it’s full beauty, encasing my home beneath in a warm and spectacular embrace.