My darling, I hope you can forgive me for the path I took us down. I destroyed everything you could have been and everything I was the day I made that decision. I hope you have met those who came before you, I already know they will care for you in a way I couldn’t. I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to write to you, I’ve let my shame take hold for too long. That will not stop me from writing to you again. I think of you everyday, I talk of you often, I love you always Bubs.
Despite everything that’s occurred, nothing has changed my love. I still think of you and the opportunities you gifted me. Without you, I’m convinced I wouldn’t have had the ability to be as strong and independent as I was. You showed me that it’s ok to take time out of life to just stop and admire nature and the natural beauty this word has to offer. You showed me that slowing down is allowed, I don’t have to sprint through life, I’m allowed to live it. I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to provide for you. Thank you for giving me every ounce of strength you had, that should have been my job. I love you always Maple.
The ocean between where you were and where I am feels uncrossable most days. I long for the day I can return to the shoreline where I’d always sit with you a while. It will come. You’ve shown me that love can be found in all corners of the world, and that no corner should be left unseen. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to carry you with me, I tried so hard to keep you. You gifted me the opportunity to be a part of this world while showing me why home is so important. Before you, I didn’t really know I had one. And I don’t- instead I have many. Thank you for showing me how lucky I am. I love you always Ashleigh.
I miss you. I know our time spent together was short and flew by fast but it still holds so much weight in my life. I’ve been thinking of the future so much this past year and I know that’s because of you first and foremost. I know I’ve been through things since you, made different decisions in a similar situation with others I have faith you’re with right now watching me from afar. I wish I could talk to you, see you, hold you- just once more. But I know that can’t happen. I know all I can do is be the person you knew I was inside. You knew my internal being better then anyone else for you lived it, however fleeting the time was. I know I must breathe as the tears roll down my cheek tonight and take comfort in the fact that I’m striving for so much more now days in your honour. I want what I had with you still, I want to create a bond that beautiful again with another I know you’ll cherish as much as I plan to. But I’m so confused as to how to make that a reality.
I crossed the globe again, hoping to find tranquility on a different shoreline. I hoped I’d find a peace here that wasn’t open to me back home but the truth is I didn’t. I discovered something far more beautiful. I found that it is not where we are, or even who we’re with. But it’s where we’ve been. I will never see the difference in the way the sea meets the sky on the horizon but I will look behind me and know the path that lays behind me. I will discover where I’m going because I know where I’ve been and I’m not shying away from it anymore. I’m letting every wave of emotion I held off over the years ebb over me slowly, like the tide. Sure and certain, sometimes unforgiving yet other times cleansing. You are the reason I see tomorrow, you all are. I wish I could tell you that today. But I can’t.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds, I have no idea where I’m going on this road that is my life. I often feel lost and confused and baffled by the possibility’s that lay before me. But I must remind myself, like you remind me daily, that being lost is the way to discover something new. Being confused is the way to solving the problems that come with it. Being baffled is the way to exercise and strengthen my capabilities and grow. I am not just living for me, I am living for you and those who came after, those yet to arrive and all the pure souls that hold my hand in today and stand by me regardless where the roads lead.
I am lost. I am confused. I am baffled. I am content with these truths. I am happy in their strength and encouragement. I will continue to grow, for you, for them, for me.
You started a change in me that will never be complete. Thank you, thank you. The words I have to express this will never be enough. I love you always Poppy 😘