Life’s great

Life is really great right now. I lived in Canada. I am home. I am getting on fantastically with all my loved ones. I’m pushing my career path wide open with a fantastic placement this summer. I’m over half way in my physics degree. I’m part of our universities physics society committee. I’m seeing old faces and have months of free time to enjoy the catch ups. I’m not financially struggling. I’m in a happy and healthy relationship with someone that’s actually good for me. My anger control has greatly improved.

As you can see though, these are just sentences. Facts and statements. There’s no emotion behind the words. There’s no Thought, quite literally. My inner voice doesn’t narrate happiness well. Instead it picks to moan about the little things, the details which are easily fixable but purely cosmetic or superficial. My inner voice won’t remember anything about the sunset but it recalls every tap on my window from the rain in such volume I even move and check it’s not there.

Is this because I haven’t felt happiness before? No, I know I’ve felt it. I’ve been able to describe it, remember it, recall it in every cell of my being. But in recent years that’s been replaced, drowned out by fog of critique at every juncture. Everything has negativity and my inner voice commentates every part it sees.

I wish to once again learn to let my inner voice commentate the happiness. Today I took a step towards making that happen again. Today, when I saw the sunset, I took a picture. After focusing on this photo, I can close my eyes and let my inner voice recall. The sun appeared brighter despite the change into a deeper darker hue of orange, confusing the clouds into thinking they were pink. Everything shimmered and glistened, showing off their bold new colours. For a moment, nature showed it’s full beauty, encasing my home beneath in a warm and spectacular embrace.

Canada’s imprint

I’m not entirely sure i want to go home. Is that strange? I should miss it. I should be excited, and don’t get me wrong- it’s not that I’m not excited… I’m just numb. I thought when the time came I’d want to go back, to see everyone, take home a new pair of rose tinted glasses to watch the world through. But I think I underestimated what living amongst a different culture can do. Separating yourself from home so far that visiting it in between would be too hard a task. But they came to me, my family and close friends. They’ve Skyped me sometimes three times in just two days. They’ve called me in the middle of the night or just before the crack of dawn in times they normally reserve as a few quiet moments for themselves. Their visits and interactions staggered, perfectly constructed to keep me from falling apart out here. But I don’t think I would have, or maybe it’s the strength this haphazard routine has given me. I don’t feel alone.

I never thought I’d say that, especially 5941 miles from home. But it’s true. I don’t feel alone. And I think I’ve finally realised why. I had the wrong expectation in coming here. I thought that I would find a new perspective to take home with me. I hadn’t dreamed I’d find a new home here, I didn’t realise it would feel like leaving home when I began prepping to leave here. I wasn’t prepared for the itch always just below the surface of my skin telling me that I haven’t found a new perspective, I’ve discovered whole new parts of myself. Parts I never could have hoped for.

I wasn’t prepared to leave my home again. For months I’ve been so looking forward to going back. I honestly can’t say how I’m expecting it’ll feel to be back amongst friends and family, walking familiar streets in towns I know all too well. I think Canada has left its mark on me. I think I will return to really create home I’ve stumbled upon here. I think Canada became a part of me as much as I became a part of it.

The next few weeks will feel like moments, flashing past too fast to hold dear


I miss you. I know our time spent together was short and flew by fast but it still holds so much weight in my life. I’ve been thinking of the future so much this past year and I know that’s because of you first and foremost. I know I’ve been through things since you, made different decisions in a similar situation with others I have faith you’re with right now watching me from afar. I wish I could talk to you, see you, hold you- just once more. But I know that can’t happen. I know all I can do is be the person you knew I was inside. You knew my internal being better then anyone else for you lived it, however fleeting the time was. I know I must breathe as the tears roll down my cheek tonight and take comfort in the fact that I’m striving for so much more now days in your honour. I want what I had with you still, I want to create a bond that beautiful again with another I know you’ll cherish as much as I plan to. But I’m so confused as to how to make that a reality.

I crossed the globe again, hoping to find tranquility on a different shoreline. I hoped I’d find a peace here that wasn’t open to me back home but the truth is I didn’t. I discovered something far more beautiful. I found that it is not where we are, or even who we’re with. But it’s where we’ve been. I will never see the difference in the way the sea meets the sky on the horizon but I will look behind me and know the path that lays behind me. I will discover where I’m going because I know where I’ve been and I’m not shying away from it anymore. I’m letting every wave of emotion I held off over the years ebb over me slowly, like the tide. Sure and certain, sometimes unforgiving yet other times cleansing. You are the reason I see tomorrow, you all are. I wish I could tell you that today. But I can’t.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, I have no idea where I’m going on this road that is my life. I often feel lost and confused and baffled by the possibility’s that lay before me. But I must remind myself, like you remind me daily, that being lost is the way to discover something new. Being confused is the way to solving the problems that come with it. Being baffled is the way to exercise and strengthen my capabilities and grow. I am not just living for me, I am living for you and those who came after, those yet to arrive and all the pure souls that hold my hand in today and stand by me regardless where the roads lead.

I am lost. I am confused. I am baffled. I am content with these truths. I am happy in their strength and encouragement. I will continue to grow, for you, for them, for me.

You started a change in me that will never be complete. Thank you, thank you. The words I have to express this will never be enough


What did I do?

I’ve noticed others struggling with something I’ve taken for granted. The desire to keep trying and I have no idea if that’s because I landed in a better place when I fell down or if I landed so deep that going up was the only choice from there. Either way the desire to keep moving and change the place I was currently residing in was a choice I never questioned- yet some people I hold dear find themselves questioning if moving on is even worth while.

I wish I could remember my reasons, for carrying on- for wanting to carry on. But I can’t, I guess I just didn’t like where I was anymore. I’ve seen a lot of things, both beautiful and brutal and I believe it’s the knowledge that there’s always more that keeps me moving. I know it may not always be good, other times it might be the prettiest place I couldn’t even have dreamed up. But the knowledge that it’s a fleeting visit is what enables me to appreciate what it has to show me and carry on moving. I want to be able to settle in one spot, regardless of the reasons- just to rest awhile.

But I do keep going, and so should you. You should pick yourself up and walk, run, climb, fly or invent your way on from the place in which you are. If you’re stuck, reach out to those around you to enable you to be freed from the chains binding you there.

I know this is hard, I remember meeting the people who put the chains on. I remember how often they’d return in one way or another to remind me that I am stuck, unmoving and they knew. But there are always others, always more. To appreciate those worth it you have to acknowledge there are those who aren’t and know that their presence is fleating. Equally, cherish those who unchain you and walk alongside you for a while- for those will also be fleating, for a variety of reasons. Maybe they become those chaining you or maybe they’re just no longer around. Some will leave fond memories, others will not. But there will always be someone else if you keep moving, someone else to grow alongside and share stories with of the places you’ve seen both good and bad. You can make myths in your wake or you can make legends- you will be remembered either way. Switch the focus, it’s not what others do to you that puts value into you. It’s what you do to others so stand strong, walk with your head held high. Every place you go will be brightened with the beauty you carry with you, you can make someone’s dark place light if you hold onto the fleating moments of light you have had and draw from them when you find yourself back in the dark.

Your mind is a marry poppins bag, it can hold as much as you place into it but at the end of the day you decide what does and doesn’t have a place in there. If it’s too heavy, you are allowed to remove it. It was fleating.

Shine little moon

The shine in her eye has been dulled. It no longer makes it own light, merely reflects the light it’s shown. The once adventurous head-strong girl with opinions and emotions as developed as her body now wonders the earth in a new shade of dim. But you still love her, you still care deeply for her. But you know for her to find the shine in her eyes again she must be free to wander.Now remember this girl for all the light she shined in your path, the amount of dark days she illuminated for you so you could walk through the darkness and continue on your journey. Remember how she cared for you, noticed you in ways you didn’t even notice yourself.She knows the tidal wave of emotions that flood your heart every time her name comes up, every time she creeps back into your dreams and each time she pays a fleeting visit to your journey now lit by common street lamps. I knew this girl once, she used to illuminate my path too, she’d show me the rocks in the road before I tripped on them. She’d cast my glance to the surroundings of the path I’m on as opposed to just showing me the way forward. She allowed me to enjoy this moment whilst living for the next. I know you miss her, i miss her too. I remember when she came to you, with her heart overflowing with love but in a new way. An untouchable way. I remember watching you, all puppy eyed and awestruck. But her light had gone out, and I remember the way your feelings for her echoed off your rib cage unable to find your heart for it beat too fast in her presence.She spoke of another, some other she loves since you were able to call her yours. She speaks of the lives she created with them, and those she buried. She speaks of those who she held dear, regardless how they held her in return. Even without her light, she loves indefinitely.But that must be hard for you, a mere man of more wants then he can voice. It must have been agonizing to listen to her tell you of the child formed of feelings for another. Yet your heart never missed a beat.You love her, unconditionally, her smile and happiness is all you hold dear. Her light. How she left you is irrelevant, it’s how you leave her that stays with you. You won’t leave her without the light, for you know how much she fears the dark.That unending devotion is priceless, it’s beautiful and uncommon. She is lucky, she knows it. It’s about time you saw how you contribute to her. She is the moon, and you… you are her sun 🌷

The chance to die

To my friend,

I finally understand what it is you’ve been searching for. I doubt you’ll know this is meant for your ears although I know you will listen to it for it comes from me. Big headed I know. It’s been months since I’ve seen you in person and yet I know my words still hold a significant weight in you.

You’re not looking to die, you’re looking for the Chance to die.

But the chance to die is not something that comes around, those words were never meant to go together. That context is not one placed in humans minds- we lack the ability to comprehend it.

I think that’s why you’re still here. In fact I’m pretty sure it’s the only reason, because the only chance to die you’ll get is the one that finally takes your life.

You can’t find the exit to the labyrinth you feel confined to because you’re stumbling around in the dark waiting to find it by chance.

I’m glad this is the case, this is how I can sleep at night with hope that you’ll be there when I return this year. For you Will be there still, and I will be so proud of you for that. You don’t realise the steps you are taking to healing because you’ve not faced what you want yet, you’ve not faced the chance to die- only the choice.

But the choice isn’t what you want, you already have that- you need the chance. Selfishly, I’m glad life hasn’t given you it yet. Unselfishly, I hope you know what you’re wishing for, because there’s no promise your suffering will end with you.

Your mind is just as strong as your body, that’s why it’s searching for the chance and not the choice. It’s giving you a way out, of both the hell you feel you’re in and the one opened by the door from this one. It’s giving you a chance to live. I hope you continue to take it

All my love,

Some lessons from love

To the man who loves me with the love I’ve denied myself my whole life,

This post is a thank you, for years of unending effort that have led me to my first clue of who I want to be.

For most of my life I’ve struggled with the idea of who I want to be. My moods influence the decision and my actions follow suit, but recently the avalanche of emotions have led me to a very clear image- and I know that’s due to you. So here is my ideology of what I want my future to hold.

Compassion- I want to greet every human with the compassion you show me in my darkest days. I want to be someone that is approachable and I want to give others the relief of a shoulder to cry on that you give me.

Tranquility- I want to handle the weight of the world with the tranquility and sobriety you do. It’s calming when looking at the bigger picture, everything is there. No energy has left my universe, merely transformed from one form to another. I have lost nothing and equally gained nothing, the world is ever changing and that’s ok. I am not cheated out of what I had, but merely shown a different way of using that. Knowing this means that the bad things will not stay bad, so there is no use panicking or worrying. Equally, what’s good won’t always stay good and that’s ok too, for it just makes those moments all the more memorable.

Honesty- I want to live honestly and purely, much like you. I want to be true to myself and to others while letting them do the same. Humans are resilient. They can take a lot before they break but lying only adds weight to everyone’s shoulders. No one needs that.

Hardworking- Before you I had seen work but I hadn’t really experienced it, I’d breezed school and luckily didn’t need a job until I met you. But seeing the effort you put into absolutely everything you value is remarkable to watch. Life is short yet you dedicate week after week into your passions, be them people or education or anything else. Following your example, I hope I can say the same for myself very soon.

Love not without fear, but with the perfect balance of fear and hope- watching you love is beautiful, you love without the fear of people knowing it. You love with the hope that they won’t throw that love back at you. And you also love regardless if they do. You still fear in love, you fear for what you love and it’s wellbeing. You are human so you still fear rejection too but you stand tall and leave that choice to those you love. You do not let those you love walk over you, but you never leave them questioning If you love them. You wear your love like a medal and it reflects and amplifies your smile. I wish to love with the same hope faith and sincerity you do.

I met you and something clicked, it offset me for a while and I believe it still will but now I understand Why it did. You hold everything I aspire to be. I can be the person I want to if I walk next to you and apply what I learn from you in my own life. You’re more then just my best friend, you’re my world. I want to learn from you forever.

Thank you, for loving me with the love I denied myself 💙

Anger and his friends

I’ve known for years that I struggle with anger problems. When I feel wronged I often attack the situation all guns blazing and playing ignorance to the damage I’ll cause, and just revel in the hurt I feel. Except revel is the wrong word- I dwell there. Sometimes for hours on end, unable to get up and leave the angry house I confided myself too. The defences at the door are brutal, how some get through alive often surprises me- perhaps humans are more resilient than we realise.

My specific anger issues involve a loss of realisation for the words I say. I don’t think when i’m angry I just feel, and due to the self-righteousness that anger invites along to the party, I often say things that would break me if someone said to me. Yet at the time, they are how I feel. Everyone has the thoughts while angry, dark words that they often know better than to say out loud, but my anger comes with friends, it is not alone. Thus nor I am with my heightened senses and I search desperately to find an outlet before more words fly from thoughts too vividly expressed. If i can just choke it down, anger will be gone soon.

This often leads to me taking other measures to fight it, ones that only hinder me further in reality. But in anger, they are my survival, they stop me losing myself to the smothering company anger and his friends bring. Sometimes I feel like anger has invaded my mind, I become incapable of thinking clearly and when presented with a problem I would handle well when content I realise just how deep rooted anger is in my mind and I even sometimes fight my own mind- order it to stop. I create a pain in my body that the mind can’t ignore and for a while- my mind kicks anger out to let physical pain in. But it sneaks up again, boiling over and causing one big initial blow that often leaves my body as an item closest to me goes hurtling towards a solid brick wall. I’m desperate to make something else feel this so I don’t have to. But anger wasn’t invited by me. Anger was invited to help Hurt feel better. They’re best friends- anger and hurt. If Hurt is alone in the mind it will often invite anger before I truly realise hurt is even there.

When I feel braver, when angers company is less intense, I try other methods to remove him from my mind. I throw myself into work, studying or creating some amazing experience that is so wacky it can’t possibly be anything but quality time with happiness and self-worth. But even the biggest adventures can hide anger and hurt if you allow it, and since I haven’t learnt how to stop them feeling welcome in my mind- they intrude and steal even my best of days.

For years I’ve let anger walk beside me, twisting my mind to work as it wishes as well as how I wish it, and in honesty its torn me. I now blur the lines between today and tomorrow, convincing myself that time is an illusion and thus you will never be free, for if they exist once they will again. But that doesn’t have to be the case. I just don’t know how to achieve this.

Many people have put lots of time into training me, body and mind, to allow me to walk the earth without dragging anger and hurt alongside. But in doing so they often end up being visited by anger and hurt themselves and instead of me getting better, I just give anger the chance to consume someone else alongside me.

I’m lost in a world where there are no hallways to run down, no doors to lock and no space that is just my own. If anyone has methods on how to uninvite anger and hurt from the mind that is my world without passing them to another, please tell me.

They have stayed in my space for farme being me x 001 too long.

Confessions, apologises and fresh starts

The to do list is slowly being completed, one by one I’m working through my issues. All the ones that are effecting my behaviour negatively. I’m not finished yet, but I’ve started. I think I’m finally beginning to rewrite my mind. For a month now I’ve been trying, only in the past two days have I noticed a solid improvement.

Messaging you was hard, tell you why I made my mistakes, and how I will change my behaviour in the future, apologising sincerely instead of throwing around the word “sorry” and hoping for the best.

I’m understanding you a lot more than I did before, and I know you’re where my issues began. I remember the build up in emotions clear as day, I remember feeling myself scramble the signals in my brain until the only emotional outbursts were negative. I remember looking for reasons, imagination is a powerful tool. Mix imagination with a subjective truth and you can convince your mind of anything- unfortunately I used this to convince myself actions bother me more then actually do. I stopped having a relative scale and just went off the rails with everything, big or small. But I’ve watched my closest use and abuse the power that gave them to lose the human underneath and leave me to my own devices… but you never did. I’ve always been able to talk to you when things are bad enough in my own mind, and much like you did back then- you Calm me.

I’ve missed having you around, there are bigger problems in this world then the ones we’ve had. I’m ready to work to put it behind us, and knowing you like I do, I know you’ll give me the opportunity to do exactly that. You’re one of the purest souls I’ve met.

I can not take back my rage, and I don’t think I’d ever want to. But I can change it. I can access the core and cool it with ice instead of putting it in the microwave. It isn’t easy, it isn’t fast and currently it takes all the strength I have that day to actually accomplish this.. but tranquility is no longer a long lost relative. Tranquility is now my neighbour, and if I choose, I can walk next door any time I like. You’ve shown me that, the only thing to do now is to keep working and make myself 


I’ve returned to my safe spot, crouched between the desk and chest of drawers barely wide enough to fit me but comes with a charging port for long stays. I often settle here, which is strange given the many other, much more comfortable, places I could sit. But it’s comforting, being of a concealable height between the furnishings I can blend into the walls and forget that my life is real.

I’m struggling here, I never wanted to admit it but man alive I’m struggling. It’s hard to feel a part of something real, because I know this will all end soon. I’ve never thought about how fast time goes until I pressed fast forward- the first half of my year abroad is almost over and what do I have to show for it? Not much. I know how this will inspire me to be back home but here it’s harder. I’m struggling to find who I am out here, I can reinvent myself here but… the truth is I think I was happy being me.

I’m not always nice, I suffer with anger issues a lot. I compare myself to others looks, intelligence, personality and physical fitness. Constantly calling myself up short- of course I do. With 7billion people in the world I can’t be top. But I can be me. Sometimes, I leave my hair unwashed because the time it takes to dry is time I’d rather spend in bed. I often tear at my body when I can’t get my emotions out effectively. I sleep in late. I often say the wrong thing. I tell people too much. I argue too much.


He’s the only one here for me, and I really appreciate that he is.